So recently, I injured my back. Fortunately, it doesn’t seem to be a chronic thing, since it seems to have miraculously healed itself and hasn’t flared up again since (oh the joys of being young-ish). However, there was a good three weeks when I was heavily sedated, drunk or some combination of both in order to avoid the burning pain of my spine.
As such, there were a few lessons learnt from this ordeal that I feel inclined to share with you.
1. Living with someone who loves you, and therefore is obligated to help you when you are not capable of doing anything but moaning, is key to survival. Unless you have a particularly talented house plant or dog, I would not have made it if the boy wasn’t there to provide me with life-supporting drugs and alcohol. As well as driving me places. And moving any objects that got in my way. He gets major points for this. I signed a contract saying so.
2. I do not own anything useful for treating inflammation (besides drugs and alcohol, obviously). Such as a hot-water bottle, or an electric blanket, or an ice pack, or one of those magic bean bags that can be either hot or cold. These are useful items that I need to steal from my grandma at some point.
3. An overheating laptop computer is not a good substitute for a hot-water bottle. It doesn’t stay on your back particularly well.
4. Googling “hurt back” is rarely informative (hence this list – isn’t it more helpful?). No, I wasn’t planning on doing abs excerises or lifting heavy objects, Google, my back is already hurt, thank you very much. Although having read the article How to Get Back at a Guy for Hurting You, I now know that I shouldn’t resort to physical violence to get back at a man, instead I should look aloof and haughty, and make sure our mutual acquaintances shame and ostracize the man in question. The lessons you learn on the internet, my friends.
5. Hurting your back is not an obvious injury that people will pick up on. It’s not like an ankle or an arm that you can bandage up so that people can see that you’ve hurt yourself. You have to tell people that you’re in pain so that you don’t look like a lazy tool and get the sympathy you deserve. But even this requires a delicate amount of balance: if you whine too much, your boyfriend might think that the cure isn’t really ice cream and might want to take you to the doctor.
Fortunately for myself, and more importantly all people who’ve been in my vicinity of late, my back is feeling better. I even spent all of last weekend dancing without resorting to a healthy combination of anti-inflammatories and alcohol. Achievement unlocked, indeed.