Recently, I quite literally fell on my ass in front of a large group of people. Some of those who witnessed the event I knew, but for others, I feel I shall only be known as “that girl who fell on her ass in front of everyone” from this day forward. It was a bit epic. I was dancing. I was trying to be cool (clearly my first mistake). Instead, the floor and I became intimately acquainted.
No, I was not drunk. (I sort of wish I had that excuse.) However, I have acquired several coping mechanisms for dealing with public humiliation, which I’ll share with you. Now you too can have inappropriate responses to a good ol’ public shaming!
1. Drink the pain away. If you can’t remember it, it didn’t happen. Make sure all the witnesses drink too.
2. Hide in a cave (with good internet access) and never show your face in public again. If the public can’t see you then you can’t further embarrass yourself. Seeing you will only jog their memory of how you epically failed that one time. So don’t be seen.
3. Replay in your mind what went wrong over and over again. You’ll want to pinpoint the exact moment that it all went to hell and come up with multiple alternative scenarios where everything worked out (and you were proclaimed awesome). This is important for when you travel back in time to change the past. Try not to kill yourself in the process. That never works out well. But then again, wouldn’t it just be better to not be born then dealing with your bruised ego right about now?
4. Remind all of your friends, significant other(s), coworkers, neighbours, homeless person, cat, about what happened. Even if they weren’t there. They have likely already heard about it from multiple other people, but it’s important that they hear your side of the story and empathise with you appropriately. I’ve found that cats are not very good at this.
5. Flat out denial. It didn’t happen. Really, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Why am I blogging again? (Typically works very well with point number 1).
6. Just keep on dancing. Really, there’s no other option at the end of it all.